我发现尽管平心静气地说话非常难，我的老公就有这种超赞的性格特点，说话几乎从不刁难我。我努力记住，我爱他身上的那些优点，把让我心烦的琐事抛到脑后。说起来容易做起来难啊。多亲吻他几次，多拥抱他几回，多抚摸他一会儿，这类我下过决心要做的事，非常有效地让我一直感觉到爱的温暖，心存感激。
你的婚姻，或者长期的交往中有什么误会呢？有没找到解决的方法呢？
One of the main twelve themes of my happiness project is marriage. For me, as with many people, my marriage is one of the most central elements in my life and my happiness. When I started my happiness project, and I reflected about the changes I wanted to make -- as well as the resolutions（决定，决心） I wanted to keep in order to bring about those changes -- I realized I had five particular problem areas in my marriage.
1. My demand for gold stars. Oh, how I crave1（渴望，热望） appreciation2（赏识） and recognition（承认）! I always want that gold star stuck to my homework. But my husband just isnt very good at handing out gold stars, and that makes me feel angry and unappreciated. I figured out a good strategy. I used to tell myself I was doing nice things for him Hell be so happy to see that I put all the books away, Hell be so pleased that I finally got the trunk packed for camp etc. then Id be mad when he wasnt appreciative3. Now I tell myself that Im doing these things because I want to do them. Wow, the kitchen cabinets look great! Im so organized to have bought all the supplies in advance! Because I do things for myself, he doesnt have to notice. This sounds like a more self-centered approach, but its really much better.
2. Using a snappish（急躁的） tone. I have a very short fuse（急性子，热门脾气） and become irritable4 extremely easily but my husband really doesnt like it when I snap at（厉声斥责） him . Ive done a lot to try to keep my temper in check. I dont let myself get too hungry or too cold ; I try to keep our apartment in reasonable order, because a mess makes me crabby（暴躁的）; when he tries to make a joke out of my temper, I try to laugh along; I try to control my voice to keep it light and cheery（活泼的，愉快的） instead of accusatory（非难的，控诉的） and impatient. Confession5: I havent made much headway（前进，进展） here.
3. Getting angry about a fixed6 trait（特点，特征）. This is very, very tough. One of the things Ive learned from my happiness project is that you cant change anyone but yourself, and while there are some things Id love to change about my husband, those things arent going to change. He isnt going to get better about answering my emails. He is going to keep making rich desserts that tempt7（魅惑，引起） me. Etc. Instead of getting all worked up, as I often do, Im trying to remind myself of HOW SMALL his flaws（缺点，缺陷） are, in the scheme of things.
4. Score-keeping. Im a score-keeper, always calculating who has done what. I cleaned up the kitchen, so you have to run to the store -- that sort of thing. Ive found two ways to try to deal with this tendency（倾向，趋势）. First, I remind myself of the phenomenon of unconscious over-claiming; i.e., we unconsciously overestimate8 our contributions or skills relative to other peoples. This makes sense, because of course were far more aware of what we do than what other people do. According to Jonathan Haidts The Happiness Hypothesis, when husbands and wives estimate the percentage of housework each does, their estimates total more than 120 percent. I complain about the time I spend organizing babysitting or paying bills, but I overlook the time my husband spends dealing9 with our car or food-shopping.
Its easy to see that over-claiming leads to resentment10 and an inflated11 sense of entitlement. So now when I find myself thinking, Im the only one around here who bothers to or Why do I always have to be the one who? I remind myself of all the tasks I dont do. Second, I remind myself of the words of my spiritual master, St. Therese of Lisieux: When one loves, one does not calculate. That precept12 is the basis for my 11th Personal Commandment: No calculation.
5. Taking my husband for granted. Just as I find it easily to overlook（俯视，远眺） the chores done by my husband, its easy for me to forget to appreciate his many virtues13 and instead focus on his flaws. For example, although I find it hard to resist using an irritable tone, my husband almost never speaks harshly, and that's really a wonderful trait. Im trying to stay alert to all the things I love about him, and let go of my petty annoyances14. This is easier said than done. Ive found that working to keep my resolution to Kiss more, hug more, touch more is an effective way to help me stay in loving, appreciative frame of mind.
What are some mistakes you make in your marriage or long-term relationship? Have you found any great strategies for addressing them?
