To Win at Marriage, Learn to lose
取得美满婚姻,要掌握认输
[1]Having been married for more than 40 years, I can attest1 to the truth of the following statement: to excel in the art of domestic argument, one must master the art of losing.
[1]做为一个结婚40余年的人，我可以证明下面这个说法完全正确：想要在家庭争执中得满分，第一要学会认输的艺术。
[2]Modern psychologists are taken with the win-win solution. But in marriage, success resides more in lose-lose solutions. Out of these, both parties can win. For in the love configuration2, losing gives a gift that always returns.
[2]现代心理学家们都醉心于一赢再赢的解决方法，而在婚姻里头，成功总是在于采取一输再输的方案。由于如此，双方都可以是赢家。在爱情的天地里，认输事实上永远是一份有回报的礼物。
[3]One day shortly after my wife and I were married, we set about picking new living-room wallpaper from a book of samples. My taste and hers were at odds3.
[3]结婚以后不久的一天，我和老婆着手从一本样品手册中挑选起居室的壁纸图片。大家的喜好有了矛盾。
[4]I like this one, she said. That looks like a section of a diseased liver. How can you say that? This is a classical pattern that goes all the way back to the Venetian. The Venetian were blind. They named blinds after them, remember? I like this one. I wouldnt hang that in hell if I were the devil.
[4]我喜欢这一张。 这张简直就像一块有病的猪肝。 你如何能如此说？这可是一幅古典的古威尼斯风格的图案。 威尼斯人都瞎眼了，后来的瞎子也都是因威尼斯人得名，记得吗？我喜欢这一张。 我死也不会挂那一张的。
[5]As the argument went on, my wife suddenly slammed the book shut. There are over two hundred samples in this book, she declared. I say we spend our energy finding one that suits us both, instead of bickering4 over the ones we dont like.
[5]在争吵中，我老婆忽然用力把书一合，大声说：这本书中有200张样品，大家应该把精力用在找到一张大家都爱的样品，而不是用来争吵那些大家不喜欢的。
[6]And thats how we settled it. Eventually we found a pattern we both liked. The wallpaper book became our symbol for settling the myriad5 issues that arise in marriage. Well, shed say when we couldnt agree on furniture or a place to vacation, there are plenty of samples in the wallpaper book.
[6]大家就如此解决了争执。最后大家终于找到了一个大家一同喜欢的图案。壁纸图片样品手册成了大家解决婚姻中遇见的无数争执的一个象征。当大家在要什么家具或去什么地方休假的建议不一时，我的老婆就说：在壁纸图片样品手册里有些是样品呢！
7]The issues that people argue over most in marriage, such as how to spend money, often arent the real ones. The key issue is: who is going to be in control? When I was younger, my need to control arose out of fear, a lack of trust, insecurity. The day I finally realized I didnt need to control my wifethat, indeed, I ought not control her, that I couldnt control her, and that if I tried to, I would destroy our marriagewas the day our marriage began.
[7]大家在婚姻中争吵的那些事情诸如如何烧钱之类，总是并非争执的真的所在。争执的重点是哪个来控制。当我年青的时候，我想去控制是由于出于恐惧，是缺少信赖和安全感。当我终于认识到我不必控制我的老婆的时候，大家的婚姻才算真的开始。确实，我不应该控制我的老婆，我也不可以去控制她，假如我要如此去做，我就会毁坏大家的婚姻。
[8]Giving up control is often confused with weakness. But the winner in a domestic argument is never really the winner. When you win a battle and your partner submits, you have, paradoxically, lost.
[8]舍弃控制他们常常与软弱相混淆。其实家庭内争吵的赢家永远不可能是真的的赢家。当你取得了一场口角，使你的另一半屈服了，你其实恰恰相反，是输家了。
[9]What is it we want most from a marriage? To love and be loved. To be happy and secure. To grow, to discover. A love relationship is the garden in which we plant, cultivate and harvest the most precious of crops, our own self, and in which our spouse6 is provided the same rich soil in which to bloom.
[9]大家在婚姻中最想得到的是什么？是爱与被爱，是幸福与安定，是持续的成长与发现。爱情的关系就是一个花园，在这个花园里大家种植、培养和收成最宝贵的庄稼，这就是大家自己；在这个花园里，大家要给大家的爱人提供同样肥沃的土壤，让她茁壮成长。
[10]We cannot obtain what we want unless our partner also gets what he or she wants. A woman may, for instance, want to go to the symphony. Her husband might hate symphonies. But by spending a few hours listening to music he doesnt care for, he can bring joy to his partner. Thats a pretty cheap price to pay for joy, isnt it?
[10]大家不可能得到自己想要的东西，除非大家的配偶得到他（或她）想要的。比如：一个女性想去听一场交响乐，而她的老公却讨厌交响乐，只须老公宁可花几个小时去听一下他不喜欢的音乐，就能给他的配偶带来快乐，难道这不是一个非常便宜的换取开心的方法吗？
[11]But what if a husband wants to go on a fishing trip with friends? Suddenly there arent a lot of samples in the wallpaper book: his wife either agrees or not.
[11]但假如老公想要和他的朋友们一块去钓鱼呢？这个时候老婆就面临赞同或不认可的抉择，就像墙纸样手册中忽然没很多样纸可供挑选了。
[12]Already you can hear the usual power strategies: Ill spend my money any way I please, or How come youre such a millstone? Jims wife is happy that he gets to go.
[12]你或许已听说过如此的权力方案：我可以随便花我一个人的钱。或：你如何如此麻烦？吉姆的老婆就开心他随意到哪里。
[13]Instead of such strategies, he might try empowering his partner: Honey, Id like to go on a fishing trip with the boys. What do you think? I thought we were going away. How about this fall? Ive always wanted to take a trip with you to see the fall foliage7 in New England. Good idea. Ill go see my mother while youre fishing. Such a dialogue, as idealistic as it sounds, is born of a marriage of mature adults.
[13]不使用这种方法，老公可以把事情让老婆自己决定：亲爱的，我想和小伙子们一块去钓鱼，你看如何？ 我想还是大家一块出去吧。 今年秋季再去如何？我一直想跟你去新英格兰看一看秋季的落叶。 好吧。你去钓鱼而我回家看妈妈。 如此的对话，听起来是最佳的了。它只能发生在非常成熟的成年人配偶之间。
[14]But what if she says, You always make promises you never keep. This fall there will be some excuse. I think you owe me a trip first? Now he must decide. Is she right? She could be, you know. When the couple arrives at this juncture8, its time for him to listen.
[14]但假如老婆说：你从不信守诺言。到今年秋季你又会有别的借口。我想是你第一欠我一次出游，对吧？如此老公就需要决定，他的老婆是不是正确。要了解，他的老婆可能是正确的。当双方到了如此一个重点时刻，老公就应该听从了。
[15]When anger is hurled9 at us, it hurts us. If it were a pistol, I would insist anger, like control, be checked at the door. But anger can also be a response to pain. So when your spouse responds in anger, you must terminate the argument. Its that simple: the argument must end because another person may be in pain.
[15]假如激愤在大家之间爆发，它会伤害大家的感情。假如激愤是一把手枪，我觉得也要像对待控制别人的欲望一样，要在刚开始就不让它发射出来。但愤怒可以是内心伤痛的一种释放。当你的配偶释放愤怒的时候，你就需要停止争吵。道理非常简单，争吵需要终止，由于其中一人可能已被触动内心的痛处。
[16]Try this: Let a little space occur between you. Let the storm recede10 a little. Then tell your partner you understand that when a person is angry, it means shes been hurt, and that you want to do something about it because you love her.
[16]可以如此试一下：叫你们之间的紧张松弛一下，叫你们之间的风暴平息一点。对你说的老婆你理解她的激愤，你了解她内心有伤痛，你想为此做点什么，由于你爱她。
[17]Perhaps shell tell you why shes hurtangrily. Try not to be put off, but to hear the anger as sounds of hurt. When you discover the pain, you can address its cause, and the anger will begin to fade.
[17]或许她会愤怒地对你说她为何受伤，不要拖延，只管倾听她激愤的表达。当你发现她的痛处是什么时，你可以说出它是什么原因，如此激愤就能平抚。
[18]Youre allowed to get angry too. But dumping anger on your partner is a poor way to soothe11 your hurt. When you talk of your hurt without anger, an unangry response usually comes.
[18]你一个人也可以表示愤怒，但对你的配偶宣泄你的激愤不是一个抚平内心伤痛的好方法。你如心平气和地说出你的隐伤，你会得到心平气和的理解。
[19] So remember: If you want to overcome anger in your relationship, search for the hurt. If you want to feel loved and respected, give up control. And if you want to win arguments at home, learn to lose them.
[19]所以请记住：假如你要想在你们的关系中克服激愤，那样就要找出内心的伤痛；假如你要想得到爱和尊重，就需要舍弃对伴侣的控制；假如你想要取得家里的口角，就先掌握认输吧！
